you and i

i think somewhere we could have been great friends
someday
somehow

now?
we're not friends, not even close
i'd like to say we're acquaintances
because at this point
that's all i can give you
we can't pretend that we're close anymore
not after everything
not after anything

acquaintances.
it doesn't sound as friendly.
it sounds
bland
boring
cut
there isn't anything particularly kind about the word
but then again, what have we done to deserve something kinder.

i made it clear on that day.
i had a bit of resentment. jealousy.
scratch a bit.
i didn't know your life.
too bad i still don't.
you said we were best friends.
crying
crying
crying
somehow it felt resolved.
everything felt so finished.
somehow i believed your words.
but sadly, i can't now.
not after everything

i made it clear on that day.
i wanted you there for me
no, scratch that
i needed you there for me.
you promised.
you said you would
you said you'd be there
i felt like a black hole on that day
the day i needed you
frantic
rushed
panicking
stomach aching
tears wanting to flow
dashing for you
but you weren't there
i called
you had an excuse
but i wanted you there
i wanted you to be there
not an empty confinement where the tears flowed unmercifully

everyone either said two things
one made me feel
dreadful
the other made me feel
irritated
i didn't want to hear their words
i wanted someone to comfort me

you kept on saying sorry
you asked me to call you back
i'll call you back when you come back
funny how people you thought you disliked
are there for you more than the person you
trusted
?

sorry doesn't cut it anymore, does it?

i made it clear on that day.
i didn't want to know you
as much as you didn't want to open up to me
kind of ironic, right
?
you always ask if i'm okay
but i never bother to ask about you
not anymore,
anyways
i can't ask you about your life without a barricade
you stand with
a sign
YOUR SERVICES ARE NOT NEEDED
and so i turn away.
i didn't know you had someone special.
i didn't know you gave him away.
i didn't know you got another special one.
i don't know how things are going.
because you and i won't open up.

you have your life.
i have none.
maybe it's better this way

?