but i did not know.

i've been waiting my whole life for this.

why is it not what i thought it would be?

i steered the course incorrectly.
i went with the wrong mistake.
i didn't follow the orders given.

maybe it's a failure.

dear whomever this concerns.

i thought differently.

now it's all over.

anticipation

you are not what i thought.
i thought things would be light
breezy
comfortable
snug
loving

boy,

did i think wrong...

you and i

i think somewhere we could have been great friends
someday
somehow

now?
we're not friends, not even close
i'd like to say we're acquaintances
because at this point
that's all i can give you
we can't pretend that we're close anymore
not after everything
not after anything

acquaintances.
it doesn't sound as friendly.
it sounds
bland
boring
cut
there isn't anything particularly kind about the word
but then again, what have we done to deserve something kinder.

i made it clear on that day.
i had a bit of resentment. jealousy.
scratch a bit.
i didn't know your life.
too bad i still don't.
you said we were best friends.
crying
crying
crying
somehow it felt resolved.
everything felt so finished.
somehow i believed your words.
but sadly, i can't now.
not after everything

i made it clear on that day.
i wanted you there for me
no, scratch that
i needed you there for me.
you promised.
you said you would
you said you'd be there
i felt like a black hole on that day
the day i needed you
frantic
rushed
panicking
stomach aching
tears wanting to flow
dashing for you
but you weren't there
i called
you had an excuse
but i wanted you there
i wanted you to be there
not an empty confinement where the tears flowed unmercifully

everyone either said two things
one made me feel
dreadful
the other made me feel
irritated
i didn't want to hear their words
i wanted someone to comfort me

you kept on saying sorry
you asked me to call you back
i'll call you back when you come back
funny how people you thought you disliked
are there for you more than the person you
trusted
?

sorry doesn't cut it anymore, does it?

i made it clear on that day.
i didn't want to know you
as much as you didn't want to open up to me
kind of ironic, right
?
you always ask if i'm okay
but i never bother to ask about you
not anymore,
anyways
i can't ask you about your life without a barricade
you stand with
a sign
YOUR SERVICES ARE NOT NEEDED
and so i turn away.
i didn't know you had someone special.
i didn't know you gave him away.
i didn't know you got another special one.
i don't know how things are going.
because you and i won't open up.

you have your life.
i have none.
maybe it's better this way

?

i remember

sing it sweetly
if you know the verses
if not, we were never here

you don't remember the melody
but i do.
i remember it so well, but you just
forgot about the upbeat clangs

maybe i've been fooling us.
i dont' know if you remember
we don't talk anymore
somehow i bet you do remember us
but have tucked it away, hiding in your corner

its weird
i haven't moved on
i keep listening to the faint chorus
do you
do you listen to what we sang
do you remember what we played
do you jump at the bopping
do you do
anything
?